Bye Bye, Fishy!: Parenting through Grief (2021)

Bye Bye, Fishy.

Jessa here. When I was around eight years old I had a pet goldfish. The deal was that I could keep it if I cleaned the bowl regularly to help keep him healthy. I did not. So this poor fish died within a week. I came home to a floating fish and was devastated! As my mom took the bowl to the toilet to flush I was to the one side of her sobbing and Sonny (around 2.5-3) was on the other dancing around and singing "bye bye fishy! bye bye fishy!" which only made me sob harder. My poor mom.

Growing up I always thought that Sonny just didn't connect to things in the same way that I did... which may be true, but today I had to look up "How to tell your toddler their fish died" and I actually learned that where his brain was developmentally just didn't process death in the same way mine did at the time. So first off, Sonny I am sorry I spent so many years thinking you were a goldfish hating psychopath who was pouring salt on the wounds of my childhood grief. Turns out you were just a toddler.

A few months ago our neighbor brought us a tank with a Betta fish and a snail because they were going out of town for the summer and their granddaughters had lost interest. After a bad frog incident early on in our relationship we vowed never to have pets in cages or tanks, but we didn't want to be the reason these guys didn't make it. We talked it over and decided we would do our best to keep them alive as long as we could. The kiddo was so excited about them and was so proactive to feed Backhoe Loader the fish and Cheese the snail. He helped Mama with cleaning the tanks (even as an adult I still can't bring myself to clean the aquarium), and checked on them several times throughout the day. When we would come home from the playground or something he would shout "Hi Backhoe Loader and Cheese! We're back!" He is a surprisingly good pet parent for being 2. We did have one moment where he poured the whole can of fish food in, but otherwise listened to the boundaries we set really well. He is such a sweet kid.

For the past week or so, K and I mentioned a few times how long this fish had lasted and how proud we were that they were both still kicking! And then this morning I came down and saw that Backhoe Loader got stuck in the filter. I did a bunch of research and it was pretty clear that he wasn't going to make it much longer. Luckily the kiddo hadn't noticed, so I took him upstairs for a haircut while Mama was fish coroner extraordinaire. She got him free and he passed within like 10 minutes. Poor fish. I don't feel particularly attached to Backhoe Loader and Cheese, but we were both surprisingly sad this morning.

We weren't sure how/what to share with the kiddo, but did some more research and decided to just break it to him simply and honestly. I read that some parents intentionally get smaller children fish with smaller life expectancy rates so that they can introduce the concept of death and grief in a lower stakes way. Since our grieving experience was so unique to Covid times when we lost Merner we decided to lean in to what was already happening and teach the kiddo about a typical grieving/funeral process. We did some research and learned that burying the body was the most environmentally friendly means of disposal, so it also lent itself to the teaching moment. K went out and dug a hole in the garden and got things ready for the kiddo and I to join her after we talked to him.

We were both so nervous and felt so awful having to break the news to him. It is so hard knowing that you have to share something with your child that might cause them pain. We all sat on our bed and I let him know that Backhoe Loader had died this morning so that meant he was no longer with us. That often times people will feel big feelings when someone they love dies, and that feeling those feelings is called grief. We were going to go outside and bury Backhoe Loader in the garden because even though he is gone his body will nourish the plants and we can think of him next year as the flowers bloom and know that he helped make that happen.

The kiddo didn't quite get it but said he wanted to go outside with us (we gave him the option to be there or not). When we went downstairs he ran right to the tank and said "Backhoe Loader do you want to come outside?" We explained that he wasn't in the tank that Mama had him wrapped up in some napkins that will compost in the ground. He then invited Cheese to come outside so we talked about how Cheese needed to stay inside since he was still alive and healthy.

Outside I asked the kiddo if he wanted anything specific and he asked for music to be played. I searched "instrumental funeral music" and played the first thing that came up. I got a really inappropriate case of the giggles as "Wind Beneath My Wings" played as we buried this fish, which actually brought some really nice levity to the moment. We each said thank you to Backhoe Loader for being in our family and sprinkled some dried rose petals and herbs over the gravesite before covering it up. The kiddo wanted to be involved in each step.

After we finished I asked how he was feeling and he started to cry. He ran into my arms for a big hug and about 15 seconds later he saw the tomatoes in the garden and ran over to eat some and was totally fine and back to playing!

We explained that typically after a funeral there is a luncheon, sometimes the family will receive flowers or small gifts of condolences, and that is that. Feelings of grief might come up, but you process and feel them like any other feelings. He got super excited about picking the lunch and was happily playing while I went to the store. Shep kept saying "Cheese is inside and Backhoe Loader is outside and I get chocolate milk!"

We toasted Backhoe Loader one more time with our chocolate milk and enjoyed our Mac and Cheese for Mama and the kiddo and Sushi for Mimi (it was a veggie roll.... but we got another case of the giggles when we realized I was eating sushi for a fish funeral).

We got a very sweet condolence text from Uncle Sonny (further proving my fish hater theory was wrong, Sorry Sonny!) and one from Grandma that totally cracked Keats and I up, and that was that. P.S. When I was telling Keaton that children under 3 can't grasp the concept of death and so Sonny's "bye bye fishy!" was a totally appropriate response the kiddo mirrored me and was dancing on the stairs saying "Bye Bye Fishy!" Keaton and I buckled over in laughter.